only when you pry this pen from my cold, dead hand......

i received my first journal as a graduation present.  graduation from high school.  remember pens and paper? (i'm only slightly older than stone tablets and the invention of the wheel).  there's something incredibly therapeutic about going back in time in these journals (there's 7 of them, plus about 10 legal pads and COUNTLESS loose leaf papers).  i look back and most notably, i see that my handwriting has changed drastically.  it's grown up.  

ahhhhh.... to be 17 and have the world encrypted in pink pen,  the i's dotted with hearts and smiles as punctuation.  the original emoticons. the universe was my oyster....shiny, promising, a blank slate.  the majority of the entries that were of "earthshaking proportions" then (this boy said that, this boy doesn't know i exist, do i buy tapes or CD's, why are Girbaud jeans SOOO expensive, mom and dad think they know everything) are completely absurd to look at now.  so naive.  so simple.  so..so...pure.  so unscathed.

i left for college that fall.  by left, i mean i moved from my parents house into the dorms at WMU downtown.  a whole 4 miles.  my journals went.  college was awful....  i hated 99% of it..... why i left is another blog entirely.  my writing in this time is scratchy, angry, unidentifiable.  in 6 months, my pink hearts went to black rainclouds.... seriously.  my i's are dotted with rainclouds.  i was angry, hurt, empty, alone.  my life was changing.

i got married shortly after  i left WMU.  that, my dear friends, is a blog that will never be written.  it is a blog that is in my heart, mind and past that i keep to myself.  if we are close, you know all you need to know.  but a little snippet from then to (put things in perspective, i have about 3 full journals from after high school till the time i was married.) there is NO journal writing in the 3 years i was married.   

after the divorce, the journals reappeared....as if with vengeance.  i wrote constantly, feverishly, honestly, and heartbreaking.  words poured from my heart, tears from my eyes. so many of these pages are blotted with tears...making the ink bleed.  (you should probably know that i'm kind of a pen snob.  ok.  i'm a really big pen snob...i'm also a wine snob, a shoe brat, and a purse whore). the things i wrote for these years are in a strong, confident, precise script.   in this time, i kissed my far share of frogs and still wrote about stuff that was ironically the same as before (what did he MEAN by that, why doesn't he understand blahblahblah, why are cars SOOO expensive, why are mom and dad ALWAYS right) 

i quit journaling sometime after one of the frogs thought he had the right to read what i had written.  he breached my trust and took the liberty of picking my brain and my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my complete rawness.... by reading them.  as we all know, trust is something you work a lifetime to achieve, but takes a split second to destroy. i may forgive, but i never forget why i forgave. unfortunately, he ruined it for the whole class.   never ever again would i write down in my little books my heart.  it's not that i don't trust them around now, but i will never be put in that position again.    

i am so grateful for this blog. i may not be funny all the time.  i may not be PC, or fair, or strong, or right. and i may start sentences with prepositions. but (see?  i did it again)  it's MINE.  it's my thoughts, it's my heart.  it's real, and open, and honest and scary and wonderful and full of horrible grammar and terrible run-on sentences and lack of punctuation.  i'm past the hearts and smiles, past the rainclouds....

i'm stronger.  i'm confident. i know where i stand, what my strengths and weaknesses are . i know what i offer, what i need to improve and my standing on many issues.  looking through these last few blogs, i've noticed that the basic things i thought were the BIG deals, the things i thought were NAIVE, are exactly the things in life that will always be there, i just didn't know i knew it......  the males won't understand the females, everything is ridiculously expensive, and mom and dad have always been one step above brilliant.  


i've also learned one more important thing.  you can take a lot of things from me... a piece of my heart, a tear in my trust, and falter my steadiness for a minute....... but you will NEVER take my pink pen from me. 

are you an "innie" or an "outtie"?

i appreciate your ideas for my challenge. however, i feel that i have been misread on a few accounts..... i don't have time to watch a lot of TV and second, when i do somehow manage to find a sparse minute that i can sit down and watch something that's been DVR'd, 99.98% of the time its something off the history channel or a&e. no offense to you that watch the so called "reality" shows, but i find the last thing i want to do when i find time is watch MORE jackasses running around.... i see enough of that on a daily basis. besides, mom said if i role my eyes too much-they are in danger of staying that way. i'm scared that they have become severely close to that edge.

i did receive a few unbelievable topics that i can not WAIT to get into. wow. i love love love the way you guys think. all these fun, intreguing, complicated little (big?) brains running around... it's no wonder i adore you all.


my winning brain teaser was this: to get a sense of personality traits... specifically the view of an introvert ( we'll call him Mr. M) from an extrovert (me) and vice versa.... also what it's like to see things differently. at least that's what i understood (Mr. M is incredibly smart and i was so excited about this chall.... nevermind. point.)

let's define the bases, shall we? my "vast" knowledge of computers shows the "cut and paste" philosophy. just follow.


INTROVERT....Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."

EXTROVERT....Most people believe that an extrovert is a person who is friendly and outgoing. While that may be true, that is not the true meaning of extroversion. Basically, an extrovert is a person who is energized by being around other people. This is the opposite of an introvert who is energized by being alone.

Extroverts tend to "fade" when alone and can easily become bored without other people around. When given the chance, an extrovert will talk with someone else rather than sit alone and think. In fact, extroverts tend to think as they speak, unlike introverts who are far more likely to think before they speak. Extroverts often think best when they are talking. Concepts just don't seem real to them unless they can talk about them; reflecting on them isn't enough

it's probably no shock that i am probably a poster child for the stereotypical extrovert... lampshade included (not recently...).  i'll talk to anyone. about anything. usually until they get annoyed and leave.  i really like debates (ok, arguments.  friendly fire, if you will). i make my money by being quippy and "funny" (relative term, i suppose).  i'm pretty darn comfortable in any social situation, so much so that i NEED social interaction.  however, being like this has it's faults.  i've gotten myself into a lot of trouble with this mouth.  my filter is lacking, i'm sometimes insensitive, and there's been more than a few scrappy altercations because of it.

i married an introvert.

he's quiet.... i do all the talking.  he's a homebody... i'm out on the town.  he's a thinker... i'm the doer.
he nods while i talk talk talk talktalktalk. he analyzes... i over analyze or not at all.


there are a few things one should know about our beloved introverts. 


*If a person is introverted, it does NOT mean they are shy or anti-social.
Introverts have more brain activity in their frontal lobes and when these areas are activated through solitary activity, introverts become energized through processes such as problem solving, introspection, and complex thinking. Extroverts on the other hand tend to have more activity in the back of their brain, areas that deal with processing sensory information from the external world, so they tend to search for external stimuli in the form of interacting with other people and the outside world to energize them. There’s a deeper science to this that involves differences in the levels of brain chemicals such as acetylcholine and dopamine in extroverts and introverts, but I won’t get into that.
*Introverts tend to dislike small talk.
Introverts tend to love deep conversations on subjects that interest them. They love to debate, go past the superficial and poke around the depths in people’s minds to see what’s really going on in there. Most, if not all introverts tend to regard small talk as a waste of time, unless it’s with someone new they just met. This characteristic probably contributes to another misconception that extroverts have of introverts - the misconception that all introverts are arrogant.
*Introverts do like to socialize – only in a different manner and less frequently than extroverts. 
introverts can do a lot of things extroverts are naturally good at - give great speeches, schmooze with everyone, be the life of the party, charm the socks off of total strangers - but only for a short period of time. After that, they need time for themselves which brings us to the fourth point.

*Introverts need time alone to recharge.
Extroverts tend to think introverts have something against them as they constantly seem to refuse generous invites to social engagements. Introverts do appreciate the offers, but it’s just that they know it will take a lot of energy out of them if they pursue these social functions.
*Introverts are socially well adjusted 
Most introverts are well aware of all the social nuances, customs, and mannerisms when it comes to interacting with other people, but they simply don’t choose to socialize as much as extroverts, which makes it easy for extroverts to assume that introverts are not socially well adjusted, as they have not seen much evidence of them interacting with other people. This just exacerbates previous misconceptions and gives way to labeling introverts as nerds, geeks, loners, etc.



it's pretty easy to see why society places a "higher" value on extroverts.  absolutely UNFAIR  and a load of rubbish.  being one way or the other isn't "right or wrong" just different.  it's a respect thing.  one human showing respect to another for being HUMAN... unique, true, open and honest about life and their emotions (freaked you all out again.  emotionemotionemotion)

thank you, Mr. M.  you've opened up my mind to a whole new concept of life on the quiet side.  i can't say that i'll stay here long, but the 30 minutes i've put into this in silence has left  the male introvert in this household VERY happy.

lets get a beer, soon.   i'll bring the lampshade.

what do snow, nickleback, and sunscreen have in common?

(i promise. i promise to keep this post light.) one of the best things about having best friends is the push they give you. i wasn't going to write tonight, but due to the overwhelming (!) response i've received (THANK YOU! THANK YOU!)and Maryann starting my brain on overdrive, with Nancy right behind... here we go.



"If you could go back in time and meet your 16-year-old self, what three things would you tell yourself?" intriguing. but ONLY three things? no way. and, only from ONE year? not happening. so i'm taking snapshots. a few letters to myself then from myself now. maybe one to myself for the future me.


phase 1

"dear jenni....

it's 1993. you're a sophomore in high school. kurt cobain has changed the face of music (buy flannel now. eddie bower. and doc martens) speaking from future experience there are a few things you should know:

*change your name. drop the Jenni... seriously. put a stop to this right now.

*stop perming your hair. stop using aquanet. and, for the love of all thats good.. NEVER EVER use another curling iron on your bangs. you're gonna hate the pictures later, i don't care how cool you think you are now.

*see that boy there? Yes, him. Ugh, no, not him, behind him. HIM. he's gonna be your husband someday, but to be sure, do exactly what you did with him. NOTHING. don't speak more than you need to, make him smile, and leave a lasting SUBTLE impression.


*as for the rest of them, you should know mom and dad WERE right. date more, ask the boys out, and for heaven's sake: DO NOT have a serious boyfriend while you're in school. trust me....really trust me. pay attention to the guys you thought were dorks... you'll find out they are the coolest guys you've ever met.

*be nicer. buckle down for college. prepare better. know that many of these friendships will be strained, end, grow, and only the true ones will last.

*Invest in anything bill gates says. there's something called google coming in a few years... you should probably think about investing in internet programs. just looking out.

* remember the lyrics to all the songs. trust me on this.

*on that note: this guy never amounted to anything. i know that's hard to fathom.



sincerely,
you."






Phase II

"Dear jenn....

it's 2002. nice work on that name change. you're still a dork, read too much, and why is that cat soooo fat? we're not done yet. you really believe that you know everything, but trust me, 25 year old you is still ridiculously naive.... you're not such a flake, but work on your common sense. a few things to remind you of....

*chop up the credit cards. just do this. please please please. this war thing is gonna be a lot worse and the repercussions are going to be awful.

*you will kiss a lot more frogs. you will get your heart broken (it will heal). treasure the lessons you'll learn and run when those flags appear. run.

*stay up later, party more (but responsibly), take more pictures, live your life with confidence.

*the friends you make now are your friends for life. take care of them, be there for them and they'll do the same for you.

*don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum


*see these guys? you'll really learn to dislike their entire catalog.




best wishes,
you"



phase III

"dear jen....

it's 2010. 33, huh? not at all where you expected to be, right? i hear that's normal. well, congrats. after all the heartbreaks, you finally landed that guy from school. nice work. he's still hot. roll with the punches... life is gonna be easier and rougher at the same time. there's too much to say about life, but i guess that's why you have a blog. be grateful for your friends, for family, work, love and forgiveness.



and there's this. ALL of this. pay attention.















If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now.
*Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….

*You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy;

sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…

what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.


But trust me on the sunscreen…

To err is human, to forgive...... divine.

sometimes it's tough to be human. aside from all the stresses, and the bills, and the jobs, and the family, and the self maintenance and and and...that's life. i'm not talking life today. i'm talking human.

emotions.

easily, i've lost a few of my readers now. probably due to the fact that discussions of emotions are the pink elephant in the room; the things easier turned away from; the embarrassment of the stuff swept under the proverbial life rug and ignored.

but why?? why do we shy away from the things that every person that has ever lived feels? one could argue the fact that we all feel the same basic emotions (love, joy, anger, sadness, fear), but we feel them in different ways. one could argue that emotions are learned and taught instead of given, or that you are genetically predisposed to a specific emotion that defines their being daily. i'm not even going to touch that. that's not what i'm about. well, that's not what i'm about TODAY.

i'm also aware that there is a very very very broad spectrum of emotions that are covered under the umbrella of the some what vague 5 emotions that i gave above..... (see http://changingminds.org/explanations/emotions/basic%20emotions.htm)

i'm pretty sure that we shy away from discussing emotions is the fact that it's a powerful, painful experience. we've all shared the same emotions, so it should be so much easier to relate to one another. to empathize, to sympathize, to feel.. but it's certainly not. emotions are far to intimate, far to embarrassing, far to scary to be broadcasting around all willy-nilly.

but... my blog. i'm gonna do it. don't panic, gentle reader. i'm only gonna touch base on an emotion that has me all tore up. i'm not even sure what category it falls under.. because frankly. it feels like it encompasses all of them.

i care too much. i can see how you're probably laughing about that right now- provided all my rants about customers and the stupidity of the general public, but push them aside for a moment. if i know YOU... i care about you. deeply.
i was taught early on never to burn bridges..... and, for the most part, i've followed that. i'm still friends with many of my old coworkers, bosses, and ex-boyfriends. i'm friends with people that have stabbed me in the back, the front, and have torn out the pieces of my shattered heart. forgiveness is a virtue, and i'd really love to be forgiven for some of the stunts i've pulled.

the cost of these relationships to be mended is huge. it's a lot of hours, usually by email or the phone: rehashing what went wrong, who misunderstood whom, who felt what when, and trying not to point fingers. there's always a million tears, a thousand realizations, putting yourself under the microscope, the humility and the embarrassment. no matter how angry i was at you, once these steps have been completed, i forgive you. we move on. and i have a whole new respect for you. you also receive, as a bonus gift, my undying concern for you.

i'm not nosy. i ask a million questions because i want to know things, to understand, to relate. i want to help/ to make sure the choices you made were right for you/ to believe that you are in the best place you could possibly be. i have so much love for you all, you need to know that.

if you and i have had a falling out, i'm extending this as an apology. no excuses, but time changes people. i'm willing to forgive and forget, to move on, to build anew.
challenge yourself to reach out to the people that have hurt you, no matter how scary or how angry it could be. i promise, that even if the result isn't what you expected, you'll sleep a little better.

and because i love you all so much, i'll sleep better too. if you don't do it for you, do it for my sleeping patterns. nobody likes a crabby waitress.

.....probably no more than you'd care for a uterus in your wallet.

let's talk, shall we? or given the circumstance, i'll type and you read.

this whole "where do you set your purse, but keep it a secret from the guys" thing really drives me nuts. i hate it. WHO CARES? i read a few posts from a friends page yesterday.. and it really got me thinking....although, one could probably put plastic wrap in front of me and i would ponder that indefinitely also. my friends friend was arguing the fact that posts like this "overtly sexualize facebook"....at least that's what i think she was trying to say. i thought that was HILARIOUS, being that facebook is probably pretty darn tame compared to what a few simple clicks could find you. the internet isn't known first hand for it's wealth of knowledge. that's neither here nor there.

the point of all this, the part that bothers me-infuriates me- is the part that wants us to believe that men are so stupid, so meatheaded, so clueless... that they can't figure this out. what we are really showing ourselves is that WE are so stupid, so SELFISH, so egotistical as females.

i waited on a table last night. a young family with four kids under the age of four. i watched the poor husband drag in child after child while his wife pointed the way, barked the orders, tried to run the whole circus. now, i don't know anything about this family and their dynamic... but my heart bleed for this poor guy. he was obviously just out of work for the day, and every choice he was contemplating for dinner was met with a contradiction from the wife. poor guy just wanted a beer. she made him drink diet coke. he wanted alfredo, she made him get marinara. he was deflated, sad, tired. the wife and husband didn't talk. or sit by each other. it was about the hellions.... er, kids.

I'll stop to take a breather here. mothers, please pay attention here. please. i understand that mothers are different. kids first... and please don't give me that shit about me not understanding "because i don't have kids". on the contrary, i have 3. i didn't birth them, but they are still my kids. end of debate. no, i'm not done. if i hear this anymore, about my not understanding what it's like.... trust me, i wouldn't stick around to see my reaction. breather over..


i'm just gonna say it.... his balls were in her purse.

now, i carry a lot of stuff in my purse. but i don't want any balls in my purse. call me crazy, but i don't want them. probably no more than you'd care for a uterus in your wallet. that was gross. sorry.

ladies, please give your husband, boyfriend, significant other, his balls back. let him make his own choices, live his own life, let him be respected. he is a PERSON, a HUMAN, a MAN.

let's stop this demoraliztion of males. don't make them buy tampons, or hold your purse, or iron your panties ( unless you designated chores, but seriously, who does this?). he provides for you, he loves you, he does a LOT. give the man some credit, a voice; let him watch the game, play video games at obscene levels, and paint his body for football games. let the boys be boys.

and when you do give him his balls back.... realize that he's not an idiot. he just let you hold onto them so you'd shut up.

pink vs. blue

i've done a lot of traveling this week. along with the traveling came a LOT of emotions. while in detroit, i met up with quite a few old friends. friends that i thought i had lost for many reasons. friends, that i found out, hadn't been lost at all. friends that picked up exactly where we left off. so heather, amber, matt and ben.... i thank you. you have done so much for my spirit and no matter what the reason being that we haven't connected previously, i thank you for making my heart fill with love and a sense of home. for those of you that i didn't see.... there's another adventure coming ... i'm sure.

i also ended up with an absolute horrific cold and sinus infection... one requiring antibiotics and codine. not terrific. alieve cold and sinus is nothing short of a miracle. being the giving person that i am, i promptly passed this on to cory.... although where he picked up the pukey stomach bug is beyond me.

this weekend was spent at a love and respect marriage seminar in grand rapids. 2 days of learning love and respect. we were so fortunate to go with 2 of our dearest friends, rae and brody. i knew that if the seminar was a flop, i could rely on these 2 to keep me entertained. the seminar wasn't a flop.

what i'm about to tell you is about to change your life... if you choose to accept this mission. or don't. i was so overwhelmed by this concept that it still hasn't sunk in and i'm a little angry that i didn't think of this. this isn't just for marriages; it's for relationships. EVERY relationship. if you follow this blog, and i'll try not to fault you if you don't, you are familiar with how i feel about relationships. they're kinda a big deal.

so here it is. hang on.


women think in pink.. men think in blue.



TAAAAA DAAAAAAHHHH!!!


simple right? ehhhhh. not so much

i'll break it down as simple as i can... otherwise you have to buy the book "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggriches, ph.d..... or you can pay ME $35 to go thru this with you (also, just buy the book... i don't have the time to make house calls)



the basis is this. women are motivated by love (pink) and men are motivated by respect (blue).

women see in pink.. we talk thru pink, hear in pink, reason in pink. men do the same in blue. which is why i talk to my giirlfriends in pink and they UNDERSTAND in pink. but when i talk to blue in pink... everything is confusing. capish?


you guys have a code all your own. you talk in grunts. you point. details are often scarce. things are or they're not. and the other blues UNDERSTAND YOU. it's not wrong, just different.

females talk in detail. in great rambling run-on sentences. with points all over the place. i am terribly terribly terribly guilty of this. i throw everything at you and then get back (psssh. or not) to the original point light years later. you've seen this in me. i'm not apologizing... the girls follow. the boys are polite and just let me go.


in a very brief summary... (buy the book) here's the dilly

women.... to receive love from a man, speak and act with respect.

men.... to receive respect from a woman, speak and act with love




this is so simple. something so simple has revolutionized my entire thought process. i've thought that's logical, that's ridiculous, that's absurd... "it's all about love...love love love" EVEN THE BEATLES WERE WRONG. if john, paul, ringo and george got it wrong, this must be true. i've took a step back and analyzed this. i like the concept. i LOVE the concept.

I RESPECT the concept.

so follow. read. think. play around with this. i've got workbooks that i would love to show you. i'm not selling you amway. i didn't drink the punch (although the coffee was EXCELLENT..?) i'm not brainwashed. i'm not a zombie- although that would be AWESOME. i've just found something that i think taking a long glace at is worthwhile.

if i would have known this is the midst of the dating confusion, this may have changed everything. would i still be where i am right now? hmmmm. that's tough to say, but i'm pretty sure that there could've been a lot of broken hearts, angry words, and tears spared.




so here i am.... a pink. speaking blue.. it's unnatural. it's not easy. i can already see the benefits. guys thanks for your time.. speak pink. speak with love and you'll naturally get that respect you deserve.









ps. ladies... i told mr blue that i respected what he provides to this family and the garbage was taken out. and he did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. i'm just saying......


let's talk pinks soon, shall we?

ALL BIG DOG GIRLS TO THE DJ BOOTH..... ALL GIRLS TO THE BOOTH

there's something about detroit. most of you know that i lived there for 10 years. most of you don't know that i left my heart there.

i went back for three days this week... 2 days for work related stuff, and the last day to find the pieces of my heart and try to bring them home. 2 outta the 3 were successful ventures.

there's the underpasses off 696. every time i pass under these, my breathing changes. i exhale and a calm comes over me... no matter how many years i've been gone from there, these underpasses scream to me "you're HOME". funny how time changes things. i moved to detroit as a child. i was BARELY 20, newly married, and terrified. i'd never been to the city. the traffic gave me panic attacks, and the highway system was mind boggling. growing up in Kalamazoo, you had 2 highways. that's it. so to wake up and hear traffic reports that you needed to start the day, to SURVIVE... was terrifying. i was lost for a long time... literally and figuratively.

i was shy and quiet and sheltered.. (true story, hold your shock). i was reserved and meek. i had no voice, no confidence and little moxy. i blended in. i was vanilla.


AND THEN.


i took a job as a waitress at the bar next to our apartment.

i don't know if the girls there actually took pity on me, or they REALLY needed help, but they hired me. and i began "LIVING".
regardless of the reasons i was hired, i was accepted. it was a sports bar that catered to softball teams 7 nights a week. we dressed like hooters girls. the girls were loud, bratty, crazy....... and the guys adored and worshiped the girls. i stood in awe of these girls who laughed too loud, hula hooped on tables, and made too much money. the more they abused the guys, the more money they made. i wanted to be exactly. like. them.

i wore the uniform. i began to yell back at the guys. i laughed, joined in on the whipped cream fights, and took up the pet name that was endearing to all of us--"Hooker".

the marriage didn't last.... not because of the job, but for a million reasons that i don't need to rehash. but the 10 girls were there. they were always there. Mama Rae, the ring leader that had originally taken pity on me and hired me... sat me down after the divorce and told me i had more in me, potential to be something awesome... to open up, let it out, be free. momma rae could have told me to jump off a pier and i would've listened. to this day i owe her everything i have become. she has been the biggest influence and mentor in my life.
but she's not the only one....

heather, the one would could kill you with the look of death or with a swift motion, you'd be in the garbage can before you knew it.. never gave me (too much grief) has shared with me the biggest moments in my life. there was marci, the party girl who was tattooed and pierced and the best walking dictionary on alcohol, but had a heart of gold. rosann, the one with boobs and a heart just as big. sarah, the girl next door who all the guys adored and threw amazing parties. the marzetti sisters: angela.. the mouth that didn't quit and a laugh that would melt your heart and amy, the baby of us, the bikini queen who's sass is STILL unrivaled to this day. amber, the badass that would give you the shirt off her back, or a room in her apartment when you really needed a place to stay...and amy b. who didn't put up with the ball players shit but had such a killer smile, they didn't care... and kristy, who's red hair matched her temper, could party like a rockstar, but her honesty was pure. and dancin' beth.. who was given her name because she could dance anywhere, anytime, to anything.

i loved these girls. i admired these girls. i took little pieces of advice from all of them. i was molded to take the pieces of them that i loved and apply them to my life. the end product is exactly what i wanted... a complete masterpiece that all of us big dog girls share..... we're too loud, we're opinionated and aren't afraid to tell you what's up, we laugh all the time.. especially at the inappropriate stuff, we're tough, we don't put up with your shit, and i'll be damned if we aren't all so stubborn that we WON'T go down without a battle.

(this isn't the blog for the stories for that era, and believe me... there's about a million. seriously. and i'll get there, i promise)

when the Big Dog closed, we all went our ways. we stayed in touch the best we could... i was with them for 6 years.. you don't leave your sisters behind. but time changes, people marry, move, have kids, get "grown up" jobs. so along comes facebook, and here we all are. with the ballplayers that gave us all their money. literally. all the money. we've all got together in the last couple years. it's always the same. the same stories, the same laughter, the same eye-rolling.. the same. amazingly the same. time may have changed dynamics, but it has not changed any of us. you're right, heather... true friendship doesn't see time as 5 years or 5 seconds....it picks up right where it left off.

i'm incredibly lucky to hae a group of friends that have an understanding that bitchface is a term of endearment, hooker is another word for best bud... and i hate you means i love you more than you could ever know.

thank you for all crating the monster that is ME.

i hate you all so much, you bitchface hookers.

" hey it's ok " dirty little secret edition

HEY... it's monday.. so that means it's time for Hey---it's ok. (because i'm making my own rules today)

SOOOOO....


HEY--it's ok......

*to know every word in songs of musical theater... or from the 1960's.... or by Rogers and Hammerstein. it's also ok to sometimes pretend that you're maria from the sound of music.

*to have dirty little secrets

*to laugh with your girlfriends over the same stories for a decade. it's even better if you all finish the same sentence with the same voice pitch. but no shrieking.

*to still pee a little bit while laughing to adam sandler "at a medium pace"

*to wish you had a pool so you could hire a pool boy.

*to make chocolate chip cookies just so you can eat the batter

*to really believe that you have outgrown Cosmo, but still read it because you just can't bear to subscribe to Woman's Day

*to quote Douglas Adams incessantly because it makes you feel smarter.

*to really not like certain people in this world and not hide the fact from them.

*to wonder what ever happened to pencils

*to accept the fact that if it zips, it DOESN'T always fit.

*to go to the movies by yourself. in your pajamas....and not be ashamed.


so there you have it. the more you know *shooting star*

for the record... we take Hawiian currency.

well, aren't you all so lucky? two posts in two days. unfortunately this is truly a rant blog today.

my mood has been affected by work more so lately than ever. i suppose, who's isn't! long story short, there are a few guidelines in dealing with your waitstaff. (DISCLAIMER: all of my dear friends that come in to visit... THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT YOU. you guys get it exactly right; i know this because i have never wanted to pry any of your faces off with a shovel.) this is more for the general public. that's not true. i just need to get this off my chest.

* don't order half drinks. no half decaf, half caff. this isn't starbucks. also, don't make your own coke zero by having half diet, half regular. it doesn't work that way. if you MUST order something mixed, please don't give me directions on how to mix it ie: 3/8 diet on the bottom, 1/ 16 regular, and layer accordingly. i don't do fractions.
*also, don't put hazelnut creamer in your pop.
keep that dirty little secret at home.

*don't invent your own menu. 1... MAYBE 2 substitutions.. don't be all rachel ray. you've already been labeled high maintenance, and nothing is ever gonna be what you want.

* if you need a napkin... ask for a napkin. don't unroll all the silverware on the table. silverware doesn't already come rolled.. unless it's plastic.

*be careful with the "funny" jokes. my name isn't "Flo", we don't have "big macs and fries", and saying you like your eggs "fertilized" is just plain nasty. also, i left my other arms at home, i CAN carry more plates, i DO have a college education, and if my arms are to full that i can't give you the finger, then i don't have change for a million dollar bill. and for the record, we DO take Hawaiian currency.. i'm a waitress, not an idiot.

*i like kids. i will give them crayons, talk on their level, ask THEM how their food is. I don't like PARENTS that let the kids eat all the jellies, drink the all the creamers, and pour the hot sauce on the ground. before you get all high horse, i know that babies make messes. but, please... for the future of civilization, teach your 8 year old some manners.

*know my name. if i have taken the time to remember your name, and the other 50 of you that come in on a daily basis.. along with where you work, what shows you watch, how the weather affects your bunions, and what you eat......learn my name. there's one of me. and i'm a Jennifer.... it's not much easier.

*I totally understand going to a place and ordering the same thing.(there's a salad that i crave to the point of embarrassing obsession at the pla.... ooops) but this is twofold.. one) if you come in everyday and order the exact same thing, we need to talk about you living a little. there's a big world out there, think outside the box (but don't be making shit up all willy-nilly: see above) and two) if you come in everyday to order oatmeal and toast, i'm sorry that i am either the highlight of your day or you are such a horrid cook that you can't even make oatmeal and toast.


* lets talk honestly about money here.. shall we? (i'll get to my origins as a waitress in another post... you just stay tuned for THAT series) waitressing is good money, if you know what you're doing. it's not because we make giant paychecks.. because $2.65 an hour doesn't make for good paychecks. see that $2.65 an hour. we don't make money because people throw money at us because we are awesome and funny and quippy and smiley and friendly, although they should. we make money on sheer mass of TURNOVERS. the more people we feed the more money we make. it literally COSTS me money to wait on you when you've been sitting for 3 hours drinking $2 coffee. not to mention the fact that all the people giving you the eye while they wait in line for you to finish up your 62 cup. i make good money. i do. i support my family, pay my bills, and am (usually) a productive member of society. i judge my performance on my pay immediately. i don't have the option of a phone to hide behind, or a breakroom to sneak away to. to my tables (at least), i am consistent. it's tough to show up everyday, to smile, to entertain, and to keep orders straight and drink fractions balanced. that extra dollar really does make a HUGE difference in our day.

*and finally... the most important... don't be a dick. don't show up at 2:15 when you KNOW we close at 2:30. you know that look you give clients when they call before close? i can't give you that look... at least til i turn around. don't be shitty, i control your food. don't degrade me, i'm somebody's daughter, wife, sister. and... I'm a Jennifer.

hey... it's ok to to be appreciated more for your brains than your bra size.

because i do things on my own time (i prefer to think of my self as a trend "setter" not a "follower"..well, usually. sometimes. not really so much) i tend to be a little late getting on the band wagon, if i care to even glance at the band wagon. some band wagons are really worth taking a look, and ride on. My very dear friends, Maryann (of kmzeller.blogspot.com), Nancy (of thenancydiaries.blogspot.com) and Sarah (of alittlewhineandcheese.com) all took the blogging steps before me... and i still have much to learn from these pioneering creative souls. BUT, as per my style... i'm doing it (hence the last one in the pool. eh.. get it? GET IT??) maryann had this great idea (albeit, borrowed from glamour magazine..but a fantastic theft still) and, in the spirit of friendship, i'm taking it to be my own. except on wednesday.

hey... it's ok.....

* to be upset that you lost the Wii in the custody battle, but only because you didn't pay for it in the first place

* to say that american pickers was deleted from the DVR because "A&E won't record things on their channel". except hoarders.

* be really really really excited about the "Big Bang Theory season 3" that just came out on DVD, but only because the other 2 seasons are so lonely on the shelf.

* to block your step kids off your facebook page because you're pretty sure that their mom is reading your posts via them.

* to leave a candle unattended ONCE in a while.

* to think other people my age are getting so old.

* to rather watch Dexter because it makes me think, than to watch Jersey Shore because it makes me want to pull my face off. and also, blood and guts are cool.

* to believe that a bottle of wine seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to have for dinner

* to read the book and have no interest in the movie. however... if is NEVER ok to do the opposite.

* to still hang out with your ex's friends. simply because they are incredibly cool people. and he got the Wii

* to have the NERDIEST netflix queue ever.. and be excited about it. biographies, indies, documentaries... lets talk!

* and on that note... to be appreciated more for your brains than your bra size.