there's a lot in life that we can't choose. we don't have a choice in birth order, we don't have a choice in being male or female ( let's not debate here, people... just follow), we don't have a choice in how others preconceived notions will affect us, and we really can't choose the right way for a person to live their life.
there's plenty in life that we can't do anything about... i have no pull over the air conditioner being broken at work. i have nothing to do with the repaving of the parking lot. and i CERTAINLY have no say in why the temperature is 90 degrees with 87% humidity... or that you're eating in a restaurant with no air, and a torn up parking lot on such a summer day.
HOWEVER... (insert big sigh and various hand motions that i apparently do.. do i? hmm)
there's even more in our lives that we can choose. i'm the oldest child. i CHOOSE not to see my brother as a punching bag any more ( the fact that he's been a roofer and is HUGE, is neither here nor there) i now see him as my brother. and a husband, and an incredible father. i still wish he could be a punching bag. i didn't choose to be a daughter; an oldest and only daughter. but i DO choose to be the level headed one, the go to, the perpetual mediator, the eternal optimist mixed shamelessly with being the realist that i no doubt am. if you want something sugar coated form me, i'll give you a doughnut. i chose to be a wife...(some of us needed a practice run early on... but we got it the second time) for better or for worse, through sickness and in health. i CHOOSE to trust again, to open up, and to grow.... always tested, always strengthening, always loving.
i have chosen to open up to a new group of friends. this was the hardest thing i've had to do. my old friends are amazing, they GET me... no easy task for sure. they've seen the whole show, we have understandings, we have jokes, we have history. and we also have distance.... and spouses, and children, and aging parents....
i've put my faith in a whole new lot. i've joined a bible study, we're going to a marriage convention, i've opened up and been accepted for who i am. good things have come... good things will continue. even through the black pits, and dark valleys, and empty wastelands that are certainly part of CHOOSING to live....there is love. there is family. there are friends. there is God.
Jeremiah 29:11-12
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Live like everybody loves you. If they don't--their loss. (It helps if you're not a jerk)
i'm gonna wax poetic. mostly because.. well, solely because, it's my blog. i've had an epiphany in the last 24 hours.
See Fight Club:
"Everywhere I travel, tiny life. Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. The microwave Cordon Bleu hobby kit. Shampoo-conditioner combos, sample-packaged mouthwash, tiny bars of soap. The people I meet on each flight? They're single-serving friends."
If you don't get the point now, you never will....
Then there are my friends with a Two Week Shelf Life.
It's not that we make buddy buddy, dance our dance and then float separate ways like dandelion seeds in the wind. That would be... pointless.
Each of these friends shares a common point in my life. Each one represents a period of time or a story. Some are comedies, some are dramas, some are horrors, some are action, maybe even a couple of romances in there. Each one is important. Each one shapes you to who you are today. Be it good or be it bad, each one of these friends influenced you at some point in your life be it early developmental, teenage, college, or the life after.
There are so many of these people out there...
how do you keep track of them all? the internet, cell phones, social networking.. blah blah blah....is actually pretty handy for that. I've caught up with friends around the country I've not talked to in ages! You get back in touch with these people that were important at some point in your life and you correspond, usually briefly then go your separate ways once more. It's not because you don't care about that person, but your lives aren't on the same path they once were. That person is still important, but they're just not a priority at the moment.
Prioritizing friends...
isn't that a bitch? It sounds so selfish and conceited, but it's true. Each one of these friendships is a relationship. Actually everything we do in life is based on relationships. Work, Play, Love, the places we shop, the places we hang out, the clothing we buy... all relationships. I guess the question is how many relationships do you have room in your life for? How many of these relationships can you maintain at the same time without putting someone up on the shelf until you either need them again, you happen to run into each other, or it's convenient for both of you??? That's where the two week shelf life comes in. That's how long you last before you're 'tossed aside.'
It's not who's important and who's not.
Not that easy. Look me in the eye and tell me the people in your past aren't important and I'll call you a liar. Lie to yourself all you want, but keep me out of it. It's more about who's important RIGHT NOW, right? You're not looking for Mr./Mrs. Right... you're looking for Mr./Mrs. RIGHT NOW. We want things cheap, fast, and easy. It's the American Way. Relationships are work and nobody likes to work. How much work can one person really accomplish in a day? I can tell you exactly how much. About 24 Hours worth... but you have to remember to sleep, then you should really eat sometime... I mean that Kate Moss / Euro-Heroin Sheik look isn't in right now.... It's finding the time. What is your time worth. WHO is your time worth??? You might appreciate it more when you notice you don't have any.
It's a balancing act.
We can all balance it to some degree, but if you ask me to get up on a tight rope you have something coming to you. I'll give you a hint... it involves kitchen utensils, an Eggplant, and some pain. What happens when your act gets out of balance? We damage those relationships we had in place, we dull them. Sometimes it's work... sometimes it's school... we're too busy doing what we have to do to keep up with what we want to do... we're changing relationships and changing lanes, one in place of another. We're prioritizing, like it or not.
So I must admit, to the friends out there, and on here that I've not forgotten you... or the times we had, the times we will have, and the times we've forgotten that we had. Gotta love pictures for that.
there a handful of you that we hardly ever talk anymore, but you're some of the most important and influential people I've ever known. They're doing their own things at their own pace. Perhaps some of our values, schedules, and priorities have changed. Who knows. We put each other on the shelf until we can take each other down, dust each other off, and pick up where we left off, but we're still very important to one another. I'm that person to someone else I'm sure. I can't knock people I haven't talked to for not talking to me, after all... I only have a two week shelf life.
And that's all I gotta say about that....
and then there's the group that i am privileged to know, able to be in contact with, and have nights that turn into the stories that will be told over and over, with the same laughs, same groans, same eye rolls.. for years to come. that group is growing... rapidly, intensely, and excitingly. crazy that after all this time, you ALL.. old and new friends... are pieces in the puzzle of my life. you all touch each other either directly, or indirectly. i can't explain how much you all mean to me. i love you all.... eye rolling and everything.
See Fight Club:
"Everywhere I travel, tiny life. Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. The microwave Cordon Bleu hobby kit. Shampoo-conditioner combos, sample-packaged mouthwash, tiny bars of soap. The people I meet on each flight? They're single-serving friends."
If you don't get the point now, you never will....
Then there are my friends with a Two Week Shelf Life.
It's not that we make buddy buddy, dance our dance and then float separate ways like dandelion seeds in the wind. That would be... pointless.
Each of these friends shares a common point in my life. Each one represents a period of time or a story. Some are comedies, some are dramas, some are horrors, some are action, maybe even a couple of romances in there. Each one is important. Each one shapes you to who you are today. Be it good or be it bad, each one of these friends influenced you at some point in your life be it early developmental, teenage, college, or the life after.
There are so many of these people out there...
how do you keep track of them all? the internet, cell phones, social networking.. blah blah blah....is actually pretty handy for that. I've caught up with friends around the country I've not talked to in ages! You get back in touch with these people that were important at some point in your life and you correspond, usually briefly then go your separate ways once more. It's not because you don't care about that person, but your lives aren't on the same path they once were. That person is still important, but they're just not a priority at the moment.
Prioritizing friends...
isn't that a bitch? It sounds so selfish and conceited, but it's true. Each one of these friendships is a relationship. Actually everything we do in life is based on relationships. Work, Play, Love, the places we shop, the places we hang out, the clothing we buy... all relationships. I guess the question is how many relationships do you have room in your life for? How many of these relationships can you maintain at the same time without putting someone up on the shelf until you either need them again, you happen to run into each other, or it's convenient for both of you??? That's where the two week shelf life comes in. That's how long you last before you're 'tossed aside.'
It's not who's important and who's not.
Not that easy. Look me in the eye and tell me the people in your past aren't important and I'll call you a liar. Lie to yourself all you want, but keep me out of it. It's more about who's important RIGHT NOW, right? You're not looking for Mr./Mrs. Right... you're looking for Mr./Mrs. RIGHT NOW. We want things cheap, fast, and easy. It's the American Way. Relationships are work and nobody likes to work. How much work can one person really accomplish in a day? I can tell you exactly how much. About 24 Hours worth... but you have to remember to sleep, then you should really eat sometime... I mean that Kate Moss / Euro-Heroin Sheik look isn't in right now.... It's finding the time. What is your time worth. WHO is your time worth??? You might appreciate it more when you notice you don't have any.
It's a balancing act.
We can all balance it to some degree, but if you ask me to get up on a tight rope you have something coming to you. I'll give you a hint... it involves kitchen utensils, an Eggplant, and some pain. What happens when your act gets out of balance? We damage those relationships we had in place, we dull them. Sometimes it's work... sometimes it's school... we're too busy doing what we have to do to keep up with what we want to do... we're changing relationships and changing lanes, one in place of another. We're prioritizing, like it or not.
So I must admit, to the friends out there, and on here that I've not forgotten you... or the times we had, the times we will have, and the times we've forgotten that we had. Gotta love pictures for that.
there a handful of you that we hardly ever talk anymore, but you're some of the most important and influential people I've ever known. They're doing their own things at their own pace. Perhaps some of our values, schedules, and priorities have changed. Who knows. We put each other on the shelf until we can take each other down, dust each other off, and pick up where we left off, but we're still very important to one another. I'm that person to someone else I'm sure. I can't knock people I haven't talked to for not talking to me, after all... I only have a two week shelf life.
And that's all I gotta say about that....
and then there's the group that i am privileged to know, able to be in contact with, and have nights that turn into the stories that will be told over and over, with the same laughs, same groans, same eye rolls.. for years to come. that group is growing... rapidly, intensely, and excitingly. crazy that after all this time, you ALL.. old and new friends... are pieces in the puzzle of my life. you all touch each other either directly, or indirectly. i can't explain how much you all mean to me. i love you all.... eye rolling and everything.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
to penis envy... or not to penis envy?
vacation was a low key masterpiece. somehow, in spite of the mullets and pegged jeans, northern Michigan is ah-maze-ing. 4 days felt like a week. it was just what we both needed. boats, wave runners, hammock, quads. and a golf cart. you know, to get from the cabin to the lake...because, let's face it, on vacation i just shouldn't have to walk the 100 yards on the lush grass. i won't bore you with the blissful nothingness that went on, but rest assured i didn't break out this computer, and cell phone signal is scarce. it's alpena... they're still catching up. they have CB's. cory did have an incident with the jet ski and some land. and a tree. too much watching of "nitro circus" played a part in this, I'm certain.
getting back into routine life.. (up north really does take you out of the loop... even for a few days) i was stopped by a post from a dear friend of mine from high school..one of those guys that you should have known better, because he was an "old soul" in his teenage years. one of those guys who i am privileged (honestly)to know now. i thank you for this eye opener and give a half-assed apology for stealing it from you.
pay attention kids.... 1:08.
"You think my life turned out the way I wanted because I live in this house? You think every time I look in the mirror I shout 'Gee I'm glad I'm me and not some 19-year-old billionaire rockstar with the body of an athlete and a 24-hour erection!' No I don't! So just excuse the shit out of me!"
i now steal (er... borrow. with correct bibliography given) the rest of mr. old soul high school..let's call him, uh, "James"... (i promise this is going somewhere)
delicious diatribe. "Am I a soulless shell of a man because I've accepted that most of my hopes and ambitions won't come about and I look forward to a football game, a beer, and a clean home in a safe neighborhood? That's the stability that allows me to directly and indirectly support literally hundreds of people, many of whom who don't have the guts to be responsible for themselves or take on the obligations I have.
I've taken my chances, made my gambles, screwed up royally on more than one occasion, and things haven't turned out as I hoped. I simply haven't got the credit lines to go ba...ck and try it all again. But I don't blame anyone, I'm paying off my debts, and I enjoy what little I've earned without obsessing over what I don't have.
Some people have the luxury of freaking out or weeping over being unfulfilled or misunderstood. So long as they're attractive and can be labeled "sensitive" or "passionate", they get a revolving door free pass at that shit. But when you're the stable, hardworking grown-up providing mental and physical stability, one slip up is an unforgivable crime.
A video post on Facebook with a short tirade is all the freaking out I'm allowed."
mad props and a heartfelt 'well played, sir. well played" in effect to "James". see? old soul then... genius now. i wish i woulda thought of something profound. but that's not really my calling. i'd rather be making fun of the masses for being spoonfed dumb asses with my razor sharp tongue. that's not true. i'd rather make fun of them like THIS... while wearing a smoking jacket, maribu heels, and sipping an 18 year old scotch. but you get me -probably wearing a tigers t-shirt, tore up levis, and drinking jack daniels. trust.
so goes my attention deficit-ed mind. look, i make up words. (read my first disclosure post) the above said tigers t, levis, and jack ISN'T an exaggeration. if you know me AT ALL, you're not shocked. and i appreciate you loving me for that (in spite of ? i digress) . here's the problem. i don't make a very good girl. there are a few exceptions here, but all in all.. i really am a guy inside. this isn't a gender thing, and it's NOT A FREUD thing. i am 100% female... it's pretty obvious. but my logic is mostly male. i'm not *exactly* a tomboy... i get my hair done and eyebrows waxed, i like make up and pedicures, and i have a thing for pink. like my pink adidas, and my pink converse, and my pink vans. do you see where this is going? and i really like purses. but i'd rather be playing softball, and i'd rather be outside and dirty. and i'd really rather be shooting something and reloading ammo. i hate watching football, i'd rather play. i've never golfed, my boobs get in the way. i'd rather talk your ear off about baseball, as opposed to you watching me in the fit of world series meltdown that ive done for the last 13 years. i'd rather drink whiskey than stupid skinny martinis or vodka and cranberry. i'd rather smoke a cigar with my whiskey, than some dumb 120 suckerstick cigarette. i'm slightly jealous of the girly girls. who always look like they just walked out of the salon and got a full body make over. never a hair in their eye, or mascara smeared ala Tammy Faye Baker look that i seemed to have perfected. i don't have the patience, i don't have the time, i won't stop to ask for directions, i'll change my own oil in the garage how dare you for thinking i cant.
it's me. i'm ok with it. it's fun. i laugh a lot. i'm loved for WHO i am. and i guess that's all that matters.
ps. remember earlier when i promised that i was going somewhere? it made sense in my mind. sorry to keep you waiting for the fireworks.
getting back into routine life.. (up north really does take you out of the loop... even for a few days) i was stopped by a post from a dear friend of mine from high school..one of those guys that you should have known better, because he was an "old soul" in his teenage years. one of those guys who i am privileged (honestly)to know now. i thank you for this eye opener and give a half-assed apology for stealing it from you.
pay attention kids.... 1:08.
"You think my life turned out the way I wanted because I live in this house? You think every time I look in the mirror I shout 'Gee I'm glad I'm me and not some 19-year-old billionaire rockstar with the body of an athlete and a 24-hour erection!' No I don't! So just excuse the shit out of me!"
i now steal (er... borrow. with correct bibliography given) the rest of mr. old soul high school..let's call him, uh, "James"... (i promise this is going somewhere)
delicious diatribe. "Am I a soulless shell of a man because I've accepted that most of my hopes and ambitions won't come about and I look forward to a football game, a beer, and a clean home in a safe neighborhood? That's the stability that allows me to directly and indirectly support literally hundreds of people, many of whom who don't have the guts to be responsible for themselves or take on the obligations I have.
I've taken my chances, made my gambles, screwed up royally on more than one occasion, and things haven't turned out as I hoped. I simply haven't got the credit lines to go ba...ck and try it all again. But I don't blame anyone, I'm paying off my debts, and I enjoy what little I've earned without obsessing over what I don't have.
Some people have the luxury of freaking out or weeping over being unfulfilled or misunderstood. So long as they're attractive and can be labeled "sensitive" or "passionate", they get a revolving door free pass at that shit. But when you're the stable, hardworking grown-up providing mental and physical stability, one slip up is an unforgivable crime.
A video post on Facebook with a short tirade is all the freaking out I'm allowed."
mad props and a heartfelt 'well played, sir. well played" in effect to "James". see? old soul then... genius now. i wish i woulda thought of something profound. but that's not really my calling. i'd rather be making fun of the masses for being spoonfed dumb asses with my razor sharp tongue. that's not true. i'd rather make fun of them like THIS... while wearing a smoking jacket, maribu heels, and sipping an 18 year old scotch. but you get me -probably wearing a tigers t-shirt, tore up levis, and drinking jack daniels. trust.
so goes my attention deficit-ed mind. look, i make up words. (read my first disclosure post) the above said tigers t, levis, and jack ISN'T an exaggeration. if you know me AT ALL, you're not shocked. and i appreciate you loving me for that (in spite of ? i digress) . here's the problem. i don't make a very good girl. there are a few exceptions here, but all in all.. i really am a guy inside. this isn't a gender thing, and it's NOT A FREUD thing. i am 100% female... it's pretty obvious. but my logic is mostly male. i'm not *exactly* a tomboy... i get my hair done and eyebrows waxed, i like make up and pedicures, and i have a thing for pink. like my pink adidas, and my pink converse, and my pink vans. do you see where this is going? and i really like purses. but i'd rather be playing softball, and i'd rather be outside and dirty. and i'd really rather be shooting something and reloading ammo. i hate watching football, i'd rather play. i've never golfed, my boobs get in the way. i'd rather talk your ear off about baseball, as opposed to you watching me in the fit of world series meltdown that ive done for the last 13 years. i'd rather drink whiskey than stupid skinny martinis or vodka and cranberry. i'd rather smoke a cigar with my whiskey, than some dumb 120 suckerstick cigarette. i'm slightly jealous of the girly girls. who always look like they just walked out of the salon and got a full body make over. never a hair in their eye, or mascara smeared ala Tammy Faye Baker look that i seemed to have perfected. i don't have the patience, i don't have the time, i won't stop to ask for directions, i'll change my own oil in the garage how dare you for thinking i cant.
it's me. i'm ok with it. it's fun. i laugh a lot. i'm loved for WHO i am. and i guess that's all that matters.
ps. remember earlier when i promised that i was going somewhere? it made sense in my mind. sorry to keep you waiting for the fireworks.
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